I don't know why I bother.
I do my job
I work hard
And then what I have done gets 
undone
redone
over-written
by those
who assume 
they know better
than me.

Is it because I'm female?
Is it because I am introverted?
Or is it simply a lack of respect
for anyone other than themselves?

The reasons ultimately don't matter
I will move on
again
and hope to find others
who are more inclusive
less controlling
more willing to be cooperative
and less needing to assert their authority.

I will keep dreaming
of a world
where all are treated with respect
and all are heard
and all are welcomed to the table.

Alone or lonely?

Alone
or
lonely?

These are not the same
And yet they touch.
They kiss,
and connect,
and meld,
like lovers.

And,
like lovers,
they fall apart,
and go their separate ways,
sometimes,
too.

And so I invite
“alone”
into my bed.
And sometimes,
“lonely”
comes too.

But other times
“alone”
comes on it’s own.
And in our talking
I find a friend,
A companion,
A depth,
and warmth,
and openness.

Come,
Alone.
But for today,
Come on your own.
For “lonely”
has not been invited
to this intimate dance
which we share
Alone.

Too Much

Have you ever felt so angry,
so much pain and grief
(because what is anger except pain and grief)
that you were made weak
because of it?

My body is numb with it
I can hardly move my arms and legs
My hands feel thick and heavy
Even writing takes more energy
than is easily summoned.

But grief is not easily shaken.
Anger is not simply put aside.
Pain robs us of a sense of self
but cannot simply be told
to stay in its place.

So today I am weak
and no doubt tomorrow as well.
I will strive to walk this path
through the aching
But the way is dim
And the journey long.

 

Control

We can delude ourselves into believing we have a modicum of control.
I like that illusion.
I like that place of comfort.

But if we are female,
if we are a person of color,
if we are non-binary,
if we are LGBTQ...
if we do not fit into the box of 
Male
White
Heterosexual
US-born
Monied
Young
Good-looking
Strong...

If we are not considered 
"the norm"
in any way,
Then our control
is dependent 
on the "norm" 
around us...
how much they allow us
to have say
in our own lives.

I don't want to be owned 
by another.
I don't want to be controlled by
others.
I want to have my own life
my liberty
my chance at happiness.

But my life is prescribed for me
By the responsibilities
and roles 
that have been handed to me
by others.

At some level
we accept the lives 
we have been handed.
We come to a resignation
of the walls
and ceilings
and boundaries
that contain
and define us.

But sometimes 
the caged animal in me
simply
wants
out.

 

 

Invisible

I discovered today that I am invisible
That I am forgotten as soon as I step out of the room
That my experiences, if remembered, are stories heard “somewhere”
and my friendship,
if recollected,
is a memory of past times.

I realized today that I am invisible
That the words I say are attributed to “someone, I can’t remember who..”
Or sometimes misheard and used as a reason
to not value,
or remember,
who I am
or that I am.

I found today that I am invisible,
Not important in the scheme of things,
Barely acknowledged by those dependent on me,
And not necessary to the world at large.

The upside of being invisible
is that I have become aware
that I do not need to try so hard
I do not need to work at relationships
or at caring for the world
or at standing up to injustice.
I do not have to do any of it
because as a person
who is invisible
what I do will not matter anyway.

I learned today that I am invisible.
And while this is a super power that many would crave
I find it to be a condition of constant sorrow, grief and loss.

 

The unfortunate truth

You say you miss me
But when you had the chance to see me you did not take it.
You say you value me
But when you had the chance to show it, it slipped away.
You say I am your friend
But I wonder instead if you are just kind, 
a kind person who does not want
to injure
or hurt
another.

A friend is someone who speaks the truth
But you have not spoken truth to me.
In the name of kindness 
you have listened and supported me
You have been there for me

But now I see it for what it is
I am not your friend,
I am your patient,
your client,
your parishioner.

I have been someone in crisis
who needed you.
And you were there.

But now I am someone to forget,
someone already forgotten...

Thank you for the time you gave me
Thank you for being there when I most needed a friend
Thank you for listening
and sharing
and expressing care
for a time.

I will grieve your friendship
But I see it for the gift it was
And I can put it in its place now
Along with others who have come 
and gone.

A fair weather friend is a hurtful 
relationship to experience
A foul weather friend 
hurts too.
But I see the gifts you gave me
And I will remain grateful
for the time we had.

Valentine’s Day

Valentine's Day.
And there you are,
Loving me so completely.
I wish I could do the same.

It is Valentine's Day
And there you are,
With your adoration 
and your loyalty
and your faithfulness
which I would return 
if I could.

You are so good
to me
And I am so grateful
For all you do
and feel
and are.

But I gave my heart once
So completely
that I have never been able to get it back.

I do not know
how to love like that
again.
And anything less
than that kind of love
is no longer enough
for me.

So we walk this journey 
together
and yet apart.
You wanting more
than I can give you.
And me living in guilt:
I see what you deserve
but I cannot give it.

Happy Valentine's Day,
My friend,
my companion.
I do love you,
But not with my whole being.
And that should not be enough
for either of us.

 

Demi-God, You

I don’t know why it is
that I am fascinated
and pulled in
again and again
by the same awful man.

And it is the same awful man.
Someone who wants me to feel my inferiority.
Someone who is confident in their superiority.
A person who appears spiritually heightened.
but is in fact unable to love his neighbor
as himself
When that neighbor happens to be
me.

What is the attraction there
for me?
Why is it I am pulled in
again and again
to be one of their “groupies”
fascinated, but aware …
One who sees them for the human they are
Not the demi-god they want to be.

And more, why is it,
When they cast their judgment
on my worth,
when they state their opinions
through behavior
or comments
or mostly by shutting me down,
Why is it that I care?

The Labels have got to go

 

The labels have got to go.
They don't help me
But instead put me in a category
that others might have a chance of understanding.

I struggle with depression.
I have a mental illness.
And those words, 
"depression"
"mental illness"
help you to understand
a piece of what
my world is like.

They have the ability
to help you to treat me
with compassion
and kindness.

But the reality is
they do not tell you
anything,
not really,
of what my daily living
is like.

And sometimes
the labels
build a wall between us
that does not allow you
to see the rest of who I am:
my gifts, my abilities, my journey.

Those labels have been used
to separate us,
you and me,
into categories of 
well and unwell.
More, into categories of strong and weak,
Into boxes of living and failing to thrive,
into compartments of success and failure,
into grades of gift and "problem."

But I am not weak, failing to thrive,
I am not failing.
I am not a problem.
Parts of me are unwell,
but parts of me are whole,
and healthy, too.

I am just me.
And like you I have my challenges and my gifts.
My life, like yours, is a mixture
of wonders and disasters,
of many colors,
of the challenges and gifts of living.

And while my challenges fit into a neat package
called depression
and mental illness;
and while those challenges may
at times be huge
and overwhelming
and all consuming,
they do not make me less of a person
or even more, for that matter.

So the question remains;
can you come to know me
for who I am
rather than for the labels that
define my medical condition?
Can you learn to love me
as the complicated
and nuanced human being
that stands before you?
Can you put aside what your labels 
mean to you?
And just see the human being,
the real person,
here with you now?

 

 

 

There is no safe place

 

Our homes are threatened by deterioration
And the world's weather which has become 
volatile, unpredictable and destructive.

Our country is threatened by entitlement thinking
and the ones who lead us no longer even pretend
to care about more than themselves.

Our relationships are threatened by our own humanity
And the ones we love the most are the very ones
who can tear us apart with their betrayals.

Our sanity is threatened by our own lack of vision
and our failure to love even ourselves
as the people we have been created to be.

Our faith is threatened by the silence of God
and the inability to hear the Divine voice
when we are most deeply in need.

There is no safe place
safe country
safe relationship
safe being
safe God.

So we step into the unknown
with shaky walls and shaky relationships
And we hope and pray for the best
Because there is no other option.

Tomorrow is an unknown
And even today carries mysteries
and surprises.
Still we continue on
Because death, too, is not a safe place
But an unknown
mystery.